You Have to Let go of Pride

I had two experiences this week that have caused some introspection.  Both left me thinking about Pride and how it holds us back.  I'm not talking about the "I'm so proud of myself," stuff.  I'm talking about the deeply held beliefs that we have about ourselves.  The little things that we secretly gloat over.  The way we make excuses for ourselves.  For instance, I am not very strong.  I really never have been.  BUT, I will always tell you, that I have endurance.  I can't run fast, but I can run for a long time.  This is true, but it is a pride that holds me back.  By saying this, I justify not trying to run faster.  I don't have to do it, because what I can do is equal or better than what I can't.  Pride in one is holding me back from trying and quite possibly failing, in the other. The thing is, you can't get better while you hold onto this type of pride.

So today, I ate the worst tasting crackers of my life.  Not because of the crackers, but because of what those crackers represented.  I've been working out at a fitness center for the past few weeks.  (This is new for me, for numerous reasons, that will have to go in another post.) Today, during the workout, I had to stop twice and sit down. Once because I was working too hard, and once because I didn't eat and my body didn't have anything more to give me.  I was so angry with myself.  I didn't prepare properly, that is my fault.  But more than that, my body didn't do what I told it to do.  My endurance, didn't save me.  I have NEVER had to sit down in a work-out before.  NEVER!  As I sat there, those crackers were a dry, crumbly reminder that I am not where I want to be. They were the illusions I had about myself, just crumbling and cracking in my mouth.  The idea that I could do anything, shattering with every crunch. My pride dissolving with every swallow. It pretty much stank!

A couple of days ago, I met with a nutritionist.  A good thing to do when dieting, combating diabetes, or just trying to be healthy.  There was a small group of us.  We asked questions, and she gave some advice based on her observations of our needs.  We are all adults.  We all know what to do.  And we don't like to be told what to do.  That is human nature.  But I noticed that some people were very open to her advice and some had their backs up.  I started with my back up.  My Pride.  I am an adult, I know what to do.  But here again, that pride was holding me back.  I may know what to do, but I'm not doing it.  I had to step back and look at myself. Was it important that I already knew what to do, or was it important that I change?  I chose change.  And then the meeting changed, at least for me.  I did learn a few things.  Wow! You mean someone with a Masters Degree in nutrition might be able to teach me something?  What a concept!  Seriously, I did learn some things, but I also became more willing to do the things I already knew. 

Things like, "eat breakfast." Which takes us back to the crackers.  Why didn't I eat a handful of nuts on the way out the door?  Because I don't need it?  Guess what? I was wrong.  That didn't even hurt to type.  I was wrong.  Others know more than me. Duh!

Do I sort of feel like crying over this morning?  Yes.  However, knowing where you are weak is the only way to change. Forced to see the truth, you can start to rebuild and reshape, literally and figuratively. But the ideas we have about ourselves are painful to release.  So, yes, I may be the one sitting in the back of the class. I may be that one every day. (I really hope not, but I may. --- For a while.) But I won't be the one to quit. How would I become better if I did that?